Lifelong Learning

I consider myself to be a new mom; I'm definitely still green and raw when it comes to real deal parenting. I feel like I've barely wrapped my head around how to parent a newborn which is SO physical (feeding, sleeping, changing, bathing,etc) and now we've headed into the behavioral and emotional parenting aspects of our sweet toddler. 

I grew up in a home where I literally never heard my mother yell or even raise her voice. I never knew how difficult that must have been for her until I had a toddler. Sometimes they just push all the right buttons in just the right ways, don't they? But I have promised myself that I will not be a yelling mom because I am so grateful to my calm and kind mother who showed me how effective gentle parenting can be. She was not a push over by any means, we knew when she meant business. And it was usually when she was speaking quietly to us that we were the most afraid. =)

Mason is really rather well-behaved for a two year old. But he's still a two year old, so we have our episodes and challenges on a daily basis. Our usual method of "discipline" has been timeout, the traditional sit on the stairs for two minutes (because he's two) kind of thing. I always have a little discussion with him after the timer has gone off about why he was put on timeout. But I somehow feel like it's just not allowing me to teach him in the way that I want. It's more like getting him out of my hair for a couple minutes rather than helping him learn to behave a different way.

I finally sat myself down to research some alternative methods to timeout. I came across this fabulous blog called The Hippie Housewife. I've barely delved into the material that she has, but I love her already. We're obviously planning on tailoring these ideas to fit our family and each individual child. But I can't wait to implement her suggestions.

 

She says: " The purpose of our parenting should be problem-solving and teaching, not behaviour-training through consequences or punishments."

I think this perfectly sums up the approach I've been searching for. So tonight we had a Family Home Evening lesson on her post called "Gentle Discipline Basics: Ten Alternatives to Timeout". 

We used this in conjunction with Rosemary Wixom's talk from April General Conference titled "The Words We Speak." I am in love with this talk and highly recommend reading and re-reading it. She has such a powerful message.

I've been seeking to create a more peacful environment in our home and also really loved Elder Scott's talk "For Peace at Home". Another wonderful reminder that we should approach parenting in a Christ-like and loving manner.

I'm grateful to have access to so many resources that allow me to learn and grow as a parent. I definitely need all the help I can get! =)

How it all happened

I've been debating whether to write out Miriam's birth story or not. I realized in retrospect that Mason's birth post was totally TMI. So I thought ugh, Shanna, no more birth stories. But Ina May, my midwife idol, says that women draw strength from hearing each others' experiences, especially when it comes to birth. So I am going to share the abbreviated version sans gruesome details.

As a preface detail, the birth center we chose to deliver at is in Chapel Hill, which is a full hour drive from where we are. It's the only birth center in the state, and the second busiest birth center in the entire country. Because of my fast labor with Mason, my biggest concern all along was making it there in time. My other concern was going too soon and having to go home and drive back and forth a bunch of times. Finding the delicate balance was a huge stress!

On Wednesday I was having some pretty hard braxton hicks. I had my 39 week appointment that day and when she checked me I was only 20% effaced and not dilated at all. I wasn't surprised since I still had a week to go. But that night I started to have some fairly painful contractions that were getting steady, like 15 minutes apart. I went to bed that night figuring that I'd know for sure during the night if anything was happening.

Thursday morning the contractions had stopped but there were some other imminent signs of labor. My mom decided she was going to drive down, so she started getting ready. It was a full week early so I was scared that she'd come down and then it wouldn't happen. I had mild contractions throughout the day that were worse if I was running around with Mason, so I tried to relax. I wanted my mom to make it on time and I wanted Austin's parents to be able to come down at a convenient time for them and I wanted Austin to be able to finish work for the day. Because it was Easter weekend coming up, everyone had work off on Friday and I kept telling myself "Friday would be really convenient, just hold off until Friday".

By about 3 pm on Thursday I called Austin and asked him to try and come home a little early, I said something like "maybe just around 4:30 or something". I was just tired and uncomfortable. Being the good husband he is, he came home right away instead. And it was a good thing he did! Over the next hour contractions suddenly started coming 7 minutes apart and lasting a minute. The midwife on call told me I needed to come in because it was holiday traffic and getting to be rush hour. Plus my in laws had to drive an hour to get to us, and then we had to drive an hour to the birth center.

I was told to come in at 4, because of traffic we left for the birth center at 6 and we got there at 7:30. I was so stressed about how long it was all taking that I totally psyched myself out. I only had two contractions in the car on the way to the birth center and was starting to feel really stupid. It was probably false labor and now I had my mom driving from Connecticut and my in laws came all the way down to watch Mason and we drove all the way to Chapel Hill. Ugh.

When Emily checked me I was 4 cm but only 50% effaced. It was nice to hear I had made some progress, but discouraging that nothing was happening anymore. And Miriam was still posterior so I was nervous about her turning. Emily tied my belly with a sheet in a way that's meant to flip a posterior baby and told us to go to the mall close by and walk around for two hours. If contractions started again then we'd  see what was happening, otherwise we would just go home. I said something like "well if it's not tonight it'll be like this weekend right?" Obviously I was feeling desperate to feel validated that I really might be in labor! She said "welllll......I can't really say.....". Obviously not wanting to give me false hope.

At this point I decided that I was going to have this baby tonight. I was not going home. I was not going to make everyone go through all the inconvenience for no reason. And I knew that if I went home with false labor then the next time it was the real deal I would wait too long because I'd be paranoid and would probably have the baby in the car.

So we went to the mall and walked up and down about a thousand times. Contractions were kind of coming again but not that strong. Then at about 8:30 pm things took a huge turn. Suddenly they were super strong and five minutes apart. We went to the car and debated whether we should call again or just wait. But I had a contraction in the car and thought I might die if I had to have another one sitting down. So we called again and Emily said "okay you sound different, come back in."

When we got back to the center it was 9 pm and I was 6 cm and 90%. I was elated! Baby time!! No more driving. Contractions while driving are a nightmare. So we brought in the bags and settled in. Emily had to go deliver a baby at the hospital, so Kate was our midwife. She was so calm and just very mellow, which is always nice when you are giving birth.

The rest of my labor was just Austin and I, and Kate would come in every half an hour or so to check baby's heartbeat and told us to come get her if my water broke. I labored in the tub but also walked around a lot more this time. And I wasn't nauseous with this labor! Oh my gosh, it felt like a breeze because I wasn't throwing up between every contraction. That was so stressful and really made me feel out of it last time. This entire labor I just felt so present and lucid and aware. It was such an improvement.

At about 11 pm I was 8 cm and starting transition. This is also of course the most intense and hardest part of labor. I had been able to laugh and talk between contractions up until this point, but around this time I felt myself kind of just go into coping mode. I just wanted to be able to push. With every contraction I would think "okay just this last one and then you'll start feeling like you want to push". I was reaching that point where I felt like I really couldn't do it anymore, so I knew it was almost over. Even though I hadn't been in hard labor for more than a couple hours I was completely exhausted. It's just so much work done in such a short time and really feels so impossible toward the end.

It must have been about 11:40 or so when my water broke and that crazy urge to push took over everything. It was such a relief. Kate and our nurse came in and Miriam's heartbeat was really strong and everything looked good. After a few pushes her head was out, and with the next contraction I was able to pull her out of the water and up onto me. It was 12:04 am on March 29th. The first thing I noticed was her hair, so much beautiful dark, curly hair. And I was just washed over with that incredible rush of love and excitement and relief that labor was over and everything was okay.

Kate said "Wow! That's a big baby!" She did look really chubby and ended up being 8 pound 3 ounces. Such a sweet little chunk. There was more bleeding than they wanted so Kate had the nurse give me a shot of Pitocin. It's kind of an urgent thing so she jammed the needle right into the middle front of my thigh. I was kind of in dreamy new mommy land until she did that, and I said "ouch...OUCH!" It totally brought me back to Earth! It really did hurt, even after the pain of labor. Yikes.

After we were all cleaned up and tucked into bed, and after Kate told me I didn't need any stitches (hallelujah!), I just blurted out "That was so fabulous!" She laughed really hard and said "That is not what I expected you to say!" I felt kind of loopy and dreamy with joy and happiness. And then my mom walked in! She drove straight from Connecticut to the birth center. She missed the birth by about 15 minutes but made it in perfect time to hold her brand new 5th grandbaby.

Miriam was born on a Good Friday just like my Mom. And we named her Miriam JoAnn after my mom JoAnna and Austin's mom Ann.

It was about 2 am by the time her newborn exam was done so we decided we would sleep a few hours before heading home. We all crashed, even Miriam. She slept until like 7 am! We were all surprisingly refreshed and packed up to head home.

We got back to the house around 9:30. The timing of it all was so perfect. Mason went to bed at 8 the night before and woke up at 8 the next morning, so to him it only seemed like we were gone for a couple of hours. Plus he was with grandma and grandpa whom he adores, so it was really just party time for him. I was really worried about making sure that the birth wasn't stressful on him, so I was grateful that it happened the way it all did. And grateful that we didn't have to stay in the hospital for days or anything. And I missed him! It was so nice to just come home and see him right away.

He was completely awe struck with baby sister, and was so excited to give her kisses and say hi and share puppy with her. It was so sweet to see him bond with her so quickly.

In the end this was pretty much my ideal birth experience. Relaxed, calm, straightforward, and fast. I felt so calm and collected during it and just can't believe how aware and present I was. That was really such an incredible blessing. I feel so blessed to have had two amazing and powerful birth experiences, and grateful for the support of my wonderful husband. It was really just me and him for 98% of this labor and birth, and I couldn't have asked for better love and encouragement. And our sweet baby girl has been the perfect addition to our little family.

Life is beautiful.

The Persistence of Motherhood

I have always thought that Salvador Dali perfectly captured the essence of motherhood in this work.

"The Persistence of Memory"

Melted clocks. Insignificant time. No method to the madness of day or night. No telling if it's sunrise or sunset.

The perfect summation of my first year as a mother.

I'm sure everyone goes through a transition period when they become a mom. Almost like you have to go through the stages of grief as you mourn your previous life of selfishness and freedom. I have never felt any kind of regret or burden at being a mom, but I have had those thoughts of reminiscence...

"I miss just running into the grocery store for one thing"
"I miss laying around on the couch on Sunday after church"
"I don't even remember what it was like to go to the bathroom without interruption"
"It'd be really nice to eat a meal without someone on my lap"

And I only have one child right now, I can't imagine the plethora of "This was so much easier when I only had one" thoughts that go on in lots of mother's heads. I know I'm in for another awakening in a few weeks.

The hardest part for me was the fact that AM and PM no longer mean anything, nor do the days of the week. What, my toddler didn't get the memo that it's Saturday and we sleep in? And day and night are interchangeable. Especially in the beginning, you're just as likely to be doing the same thing at 3 in the morning as you are at 3 in the afternoon. {Not sleeping though, I assure you.}

For the first 8 months or so, we struggled a lot with Mason's sleep. A lot. First we were challenged with nursing and then he had food allergies and then he just liked to wake up I guess. I could feel myself getting progressively frazzled as the lack of sleep compounded. I was forgetful, stressed, exhausted. I had no energy to exercise and no time to eat a decent meal. Austin was working weird hours at eBay so I also felt lonely a lot. I had an amazing support system in my sister and my friends. But there's no companionship that you turn to as you are woken up every 3 hours all night every night.

I prayed {harder than I ever have} for patience and for the ability to feel rested on whatever sleep I could get. I always felt sustained and capable of getting through, and was always reassured that this was my job right now. And I always felt that calming feeling of love, just knowing how much I loved this baby. More than I thought I was capable of loving anything. But I never really got that awe inspiring, life changing revelation that I knew would get me through the rest of my mothering years.

Until Mason was 7 months old and we had just moved to Idaho.

One night {or morning?} he was awake for what felt like the millionth time. I was rocking him in his room and just feeling totally drained. I could feel the last 7 months bearing down on me and feeling lost. What was I doing wrong? Why did other moms have babies who slept? Was there something seriously wrong with Mason? And feeling like a horrible mother as I felt resentful and frustrated and finally started to just feel angry. I said an exasperated prayer that was more like me shouting in my head "COME ON, ENOUGH ALREADY!" {I'm sure Heavenly Father appreciated the lecture from me}.

Instead of just feeling calmed, I felt completely overwhelmed with the most powerful sense of gratitude and privilege. It was one of those moments when time stopped and heaven opened just for me.

I was reminded of how many women long to hear the cries of a baby in the middle of the night. How they would give up every full night of sleep they've ever had if they could only have a child.

I thought of women who have lost children, because of passing away or just growing up. How they must wish for those nights of holding their tiny child, and would do it all night long if they could.

And I felt overwhelmed with the knowledge that I was privileged to be there with this tiny little person, losing sleep, to fulfill the most divine calling I could have been given--being a mother. I felt myself filled with that heart breaking kind of love, the kind that I felt when I met Mason for the first time--at 2 in the morning. And ever since then, the times that I have felt this love are usually in the middle of the night. When the whole world is still and quiet, and I slow down enough to receive this kind of outpouring from heaven.

After the Sandy Hook tragedy and then spending Christmas in Newtown withe my parents, I have carried this feeling with me constantly, like I know so many parents have. Realizing that I cannot take for granted even one moment that I have with this child. That it's okay to focus a little less on making him independent and a little more on just letting him be little. That when he asks "Again" after every book we read and every song we sing, it's okay to indulge him. Dishes can wait and who vacuums these days anyway?

The other night I was reading a talk from October LDS General Conference and read this story from Elder Richard G. Scott:

“One night our little son Richard, who had a heart problem, awoke crying. … Normally my wife always got up to take care of a crying baby, but this time I said, ‘I’ll take care of him.’

“Because of his problem, when he began to cry, his little heart would pound very rapidly. He would throw up and soil the bed clothing. That night I held him very close to try to calm his racing heart and stop his crying as I changed his clothes and put on new bedsheets. I held him until he went to sleep. I didn’t know then that just a few months later he would pass away. I will always remember holding him in my arms in the middle of that night.”

It reduced me to sobbing so hard that Austin woke up and said "Are you okay?" After the heartache of losing his child, Elder Scott looked back lovingly on the time that he was able to be up with him in the night. I consider myself blessed to have spent so many nights with my sweet little one.

Now that life is settled and Mason sleeps through the night, I find myself wishing sometimes for him to wake up. And he still obliges me once in a while. Last week he woke up from what must have been a nightmare and he was really worked up and wouldn't calm down. I let him lay in our bed because I'm pregnant and too tired to rock him for very long. As he was drifting off he looked up at me, put his little hand onto my cheek, and fell asleep. How wonderful to feel so loved by someone so perfect and pure.

As baby girl joins our family it's hard to imagine having enough love left in my heart that already feels like it will burst. But I know that's one of the most beautiful gifts we have been given as mothers, our capacity for love. To love rowdy, grumpy, tantrum throwing, messy, night waking little monsters. And know that there is nothing in the world we'd rather be doing. 

I say this as I'm watching Mason dump his entire bowl of Cheerios onto the living room floor and then run over them with his bike.

Ahh...the persistence of motherhood.